I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
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A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
When your best mate counts as a desk too
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.