“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
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On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.