Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
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Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.