I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
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Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.