We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
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Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.