I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
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The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
All set.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.