I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
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I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
I’m about to risk it all
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?