I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
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me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry