I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
You Might Also Like
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.