I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
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Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
i want the dreams to chase me for once
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄