“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
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I need to get some bricks…
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Golf would be better with landmines.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]