I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
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[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!