I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
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Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Me as a therapist: omg same
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
good let them take over I have had enough
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
bought wrong eggs
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool