I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
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The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
*mops up wine with cat*
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?