Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
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[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
😂 amazing answer
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””