I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
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These are my roll models.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
It’s actually Dr. whatever
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong