I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
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Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
next level snooze
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
rapatouille
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go