I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
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She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
New Tinder profile.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 馃槑
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I鈥檓 an Indian doesn鈥檛 mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 馃槓
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.