@BYGH: I'm out of tweets so I'm recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
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@joejwest: COP: Give back the money you stole ME: Already spent it COP: On what? ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
@TheAlexNevil: Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid's teacher's way, & all of his crafts projects will "mysteriously" disappear after being graded.
@NicestHippo: GOD: Done! Every animal niche perfectly filled WOODPECKERS: We didn't get anything GOD: Oh. Uh...just pound trees with your face
@TheMichaelRock: We could completely eliminate car thefts by making every car alarm sound like Hillary Clinton's laugh.