I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
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Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
did it work
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.