I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
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Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Hank is one in a melon.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?