I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
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Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others