I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
You Might Also Like
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
I think this should do it.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.