I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
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Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
March 16
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
i dont have time for this
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances