I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
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Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
just leave it at the foot of the bed
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes