I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
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4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Succinctly put.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.