A level of petty I can get with 🤣
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
WHY would you be happy about this?
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?