I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
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“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.