My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
You Might Also Like
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
How software testing works
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
cat faces on other animals, a thread
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me