I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
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My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
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i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.