DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
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I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
💻🤡
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.