People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
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Lately I have the attention span of wait what
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
oh my gosh!!
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.