I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
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My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
#math
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
🤣🤣🤣
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]