@Matt_The_1st: I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks

@madcaplaughs30: If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.

@AnniemuMary: My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn't bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.

@snatch_stache: When dealing with the police it's important to always remain calm and be white.

@johngcaldwell4: Me: *cleans kitchen and does laundry Wife: looks like someone is getting lucky Me: 1 hour of uninterrupted Call of Duty? W: Yes Me: WOOHOO!