@DanMentos: "I just tried to make reservations at the library" You don't need a res- "Couldn't get one though" Don't do this "They were fully booked"

@Douchekevin: If you ever saw me race to the liquor store 5 mins before it closes, you'd hire me for a getaway driver in a bank heist any day.

@marinhubka: "I'm not sure-" wife: honey he's a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them! *the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*

@slimmy_shady: Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree

@junejuly12: Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing