Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
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[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
remember
only for emergencies
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.