I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
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There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad