I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
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Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered