I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.