genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
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Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
liiiiiiiiike
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.