I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
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Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
This checks out
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
When you can’t find your friend Neil