I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
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lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
me when the borders lift
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”