@jackmackenroth: I'm pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites' heroin addiction.
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@AverageClo: Why do people say "To be frank..." when they're about to be brutally honest? WHAT IF FRANK LIED!? WHAT IF I WANT TO BE MARLENE!?
@noog: Snakes are terrifying because they can't trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
@Sickayduh: [Lie detector] "You claim you can move an object by saying just one word. Is this true?" - Yes *needle going nuts* "I, sir, have been owned"
@girlontapas: *phone rings* *stares at it* *voicemail notice* *ignore* *text "Left you a vm"* *ignore* *act surprised when they mention it* Repeat