I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
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My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?