A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
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1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.