I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
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We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.