I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
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My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Saturday
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
This did not end as expected.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.