the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
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I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Cannot stop laughing at this
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.