@lildandeli0n: I'm pretty sure Kanye West is the reason why we arent allowed to retweet our own tweets.
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@looktothepickle: Girl, tonight I'm gonna let my body do all the talking.. *squishes flab together to make a mouth out of my bellybutton* HELLOOO! LA LA LAA!
@iwearaonesie: [movie theater] *reaches into wife's purse* *pulls out lasagna* me: Told you it'd work
@themiltron: we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
@nbadag: NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars? ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese