I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
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me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
titanic
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.