I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
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WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”