@DRUNKdadding: I'm pretty sure our nanny's grandmother has died like seven times now......
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@AnotherFunnyGuy: If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
@Reverend_Scott: [sees friend at the store] "Hi" Hey "Where's your better half?" The PS4's at home "No I mean-" Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
@WetzelGeek: Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.