I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
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Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.