Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
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everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.